The Psychologic Collection
**NOTE: All of these poems are a work of my own fiction and I am in no way, shape, or form a danger to myself or anyone else. All of these poems are written in first person although they are all DIFFERENT people.**
I feel lost in my own mind,
Call me crazy because I don’t keep track of time.
I’d rather lay in my bed and sleep,
Letting the days pass me by.
Nothing ever feels right,
It becomes usual to resist the fight
Of overcoming the sadness that burdens my soul
The emptiness inside takes over—it’s eating me alive.
I’ve never enjoyed the feelings of pure happiness,
What’s it like?
I cannot begin to fathom all the things that make you smile.
My skin is tight on my body—I do my best to breathe through the tightness in my chest.
The less I care, the less I feel, the less I eat.
Whoops! No more meals.
Yet somehow I don’t even care because food is no longer fulfilling.
If I never eat again, will I wither as I wish?
Could I lay myself down and cry, teary-eyed
Would you bury me alive?
Although my thoughts race through my head,
They all mean nothing—I want to feel the emptiness that I’m forced to feel everyday.
I’d rather lay in bed and in the morning wake up dead.
When I’m told to pray at night,
I pray for death, the end, with no amount of fright.
Apparently I lack emotions,
But my feelings are real.
Even though you cannot see beyond my surface.
You have no idea what is going on inside my head.
I hear people talk,
I know the words yet struggle to understand.
Struggle to make sense of information.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
My memory gets the best of me anymore,
I have no idea what to do with myself.
My memory gets the best of me most times
Where all the memories are jumbled and lost
Memories have such a high cost
Friends are a thing of the past
Always thought they would be the ones to leave last
Family—I see them fast
They are always there but I’d rather not be around them too long.
Homework once a duty,
Now a chore…
That I never practice anymore.
I can barely sleep
And I don’t care,
So stressed I’m about to rip out my hair.
I’m extremely irritable and I don’t know why.
I’m so tired that I can barely stay awake
I fight my eyelids day after day…
They droop with a heaviness so severe.
I feel I drag myself from place to place
It’s a shame, I don’t care
Whether I look a disgrace
Or how to fix my hair.
Exhaustion has reached an all time high
I sleep and sleep and sleep.
My condition, never better
Although I sleep, the tiredness never lifts
No sleep shall ever be considered too deep
The exhaustion is extremely overwhelming.
The energy I once had for everyday activities,
Now completely diminished.
So things I loved, are last on the list
The worst of it all, gets me really pissed.
My parentals don’t even trust me a bit.
They think that I’m lying, make believing for drugs.
Really? I would do that?
Yeah Mom, thank you too.
As if endlessly sleeping my life away is what I’ve always wanted to do?
What normal kind of teenager sleeps up all weekend in better?
Whoever that teenager, I bet they wish themselves dead.
But the point is, this symptom not in my head.
My fatigue is real,
So treat it like a big deal.
My energy is diminished;
I’m worn out of fighting
You’re supposed to be the parent;
Although you seem to dictate rather than engage in parenting
Aren’t parents supposed to build up you up not tear you down?
Yet somehow every word out of her mouth pushes me down
Recreates a frown,
A scowl, if you will.
When I see her tears and hear her cries…
Hell, how am I supposed to sympathsize?
Mother knows best,
That shit is for the birds.
Mother knows how to drink a bottle,
And tell you everything that is wrong with you
As if she is the absolute perfect person in the world and nobody can top her.
Tell you how everything is supposed to be and how shitty your life has turned out
Until you feel that you wish there was no life for her to talk about.
Wish there was no life for her to place her commentary on.
No life at all.
To the point where…
You’d just as easily ring your bare hands around her neck than turn away and never speakti her again.
Oh, how you can love someone so much that you truly despise every fraction of their being…
Every last piece of their soul.
If Mother knows best,
Why is our relationship one big black hole?
Nothing good ever comes out of it.
Our black hole is clustered with demons and monsters.
Clouded by confusion, arrogance, and sheer aggravation
Nothing good ever comes out of this, yet she knows best.
Only I know what is best for me,
Not the woman I am forced to address as “mother”.
The most important thing to remember,
Is that it’s okay not to love your family
You didn’t go to the store and pick them out
Nor did they pick you out.
My mother and I, will forever be a black hole.
All people are fake
No matter how real they seem
They wear fake faces
So many places
I hate it here—
Cannot wait to leave.
They’ve got tricks upon their sleeve.
People drive me crazy.
They say one thing but mean another…
Their mouth smiles as their eyes burn hatred
And I wish you knew,
Exactly how I feel about you.
The sight of you simply makes me cringe.
And hearing your voice makes me sick to my stomach.
Even the thought of you makes my skin crawl
Yet despise all these things, you’re loved by all
And I seem to be the hated beast.
I push, you pull
And then it starts again
It’s our cycle and it never ends
A cycle so vicious,
They think it malicious.
If only you knew, if only.
How much love we have for each other.
It’s a strange cycle we live by
I live and I let you cry.
I know that you will not die.
Therefore, I carry on.
When I answer your nagging questions with disrespect,
You snap back, yelling and screaming all up in my face.
All in my face.
Bitch, how many times do I have to say…
I don’t give two shits who thinks I’m a disgrace
Why don’t you pack your bags and hit the highway?
But wait, on second thought—no
Please don’t go!
I’m stopping you as you’re walking out the door,
Grabbing you’re arm holding you closer to me,
You aren’t fucking leaving me this time,
I will not suffer that again.
I can’t bear to see you leave like this
You’re screaming: I’m done. This is the last time. I don’t need this shit no more.
You may not need me
But I need you
I don’t know how to express in words
Tired of your voice ringing in my ears.
I push you up on the wall, pin you there
Where you stare scared
And I break down and cry
Letting you down and kissing you on your neck
I don’t know why I do this—I know it cannot fly
You take one good look at me,
And hit me, told me that I am dirt
And that I’m better off hurt, that you hope I get burnt
Then you hit the highway,
Told me to stay away.
But I love you,
And I swear that I do.
I would do anything to prove I’m true.
And I’m left alone to watch your silhouette,
I locked the door after coming home
Forgot I had when I got off the phone
I checked it once,
Then checked again.
This time I walked on over to the door,
I turn the knob—it doesn’t turn.
The door is locked.
I disappear into the living room to watch TV,
But return to the door soon after.
The door looks locked,
I turned the knob—it’s locked.
The door is locked.
If I don’t lock the door,
A crazy killer could just walk in and kill my family…
After washing the dishes,
I wash my hands,
Then I wash my hands again.
I love being clean,
I appreciate clean things.
My friends room,
Always appears as if a tornado ripped through it.
She never fails to laugh at me,
And I am glad she laughs at me—
I like to make her happy…
But, I truly cannot control myself.
You see, I have this unusual fear…
That germs will work together
To overpower the human race